Yeah. That last post was kind of a downer. Y'all probably were wondering if I was drowning my sorrows in Oreos or pita and hummus (my current vice... er... favorite snack).
I keep looking at the pictures and thinking "D*mn. I look good." The makeup was perfect. The hair, though painful and very crunchy by the end of day three, was rocking. I'm not sure what I will do next time. I don't think I could stand that many bobby pins and rubber bands in my hair again. I was driving home when I finished and was ripping the rubber bands apart because they were seriously hurting my head. Every stop light...
*sigh of relief*
I met with my dietician last week and we talked about the fact that I stalled out for the month of July. Understandable - there was a major transition in my life. I ate out almost every meal, which meant a much higher sodium intake and fluid retention. So, it is back to the food journals and watching every portion. I get plenty of exercise but eventually I am going to have to add regular strength training and yoga to my schedule. Muscle burns more calories, even if it does weigh more. So August is going well.
We talked about my goal for the rest of this year: to lose another 20 lbs.
She asked if I didn't hit that number would I be upset.
I said "No. There are countless other benefits to what I am doing. I am happier overall. My mood has improved. My blood pressure has gone WAY down. It's almost normal. My clothes keep getting bigger and bigger on me. I just had to re-purchase my wardrobe - for the second time this year. As much fun as that is, I would rather not do that again until the spring lines are out for next year. My skin has cleared up for the most part. The number will eventually catch up to what I am doing. I can't be fixated on that. 20 lbs is a reasonable goal but if I only lose 18, that's fine, too."
She said that was a very healthy attitude to have about it because she has had clients who felt like complete failures because they were one pound short of their goal. To me, that says they still have many emotional issues regarding food and their bodies.
I know. I still have them. Part of me wants to explain some of this to Todd. Part of me says that it isn't any of his business. When I told Linda (my belly dance instructor) that I dropped another dress size, she was so proud of me. I thought her face was going to pop off her head for her smiling and beaming. You know - that kind of re-enforcement is enough to keep anyone going.
One of the problems is perspective. I don't have it. Everyone else can really see the changes in my body, even from week to week. Often, it isn't until my pants fall down that I start to grasp it. Even then, I don't have a real perspective or longitudinal view of what has been happening. That is until I saw the DVD from Presentation of Standard back in early June.
That nasty voice tried again to tell me how fat and ugly I was. I told him to shut the hell up because I wasn't falling for that twice. I know how I felt at Presentation and the competition. I bought the lie once. No dice. I felt awesome. Everyone said that we looked very comfortable and like we were having a great time. So, I watched the video and saw "OK... flappy bird arms. That is something that Alisa fixed in the coaching session. I know I don't do that anymore. Thank God. That is awful. But.. wow... WOW! I really can see how much smaller I am than I was just barely 2 months ago. My stomach is smaller. My arms are smaller. My face is thinner... my hair looks better now (kudos to my stylist and the magic of color!) I can really see it! It is working. I am doing something right."
An aside that I've probably told everyone but will just tell you again because I can't remember. One of the dances we did is called the Peabody. It is a fast foxtrot. Its international standard cousin is the Quickstep. Todd sprung this one me 2 days before the competition. Fortunately, we had been working on many of the same concepts for other dances so I didn't have too difficult of a time picking it up.
Anyway, at the comp, we were the only couple out on the floor. Not many people know the dance so it is a fight to keep it alive and kicking. Only one other person over the 3 day event entered a Peabody event. She was as a much higher level than me (and older). One of the other instructors came up to Todd sometime on Friday and said "my students were watching you with that girl in the purple dress. They all want to learn the Peabody now. She looked like she was have the absolute best time."
I was! How can you not love dancing to Cole Porter's "Let's Misbehave?" I was singing along and dancing away. I saw the judges smiling and having a good time and in the middle of it Todd says "Are you remembering your heel leads?"
And when I won I said "See? I told you I was taking heel leads." One thing is that even if you are the only person in an event, the judges do not have to give you first place. It isn't automatic that you will win. I've heard stories of people getting 2's and even 3's. Still, it felt a little hollow.