Saturday, January 29, 2005

Once upon a time....

There was a lovely Countess making her way through the local mega-mart. Her servant had the afternoon off which left said woman to grocery shop on her own. “Wait.. what servant?”

On with the story… pushing the over-sized gray cart down the peanut butter and jelly aisle (because, as you know PB&J now takes up at least ½ of the aisle at almost every grocery store), our Countess encountered some of the common folk of the realm. And by common, I do mean stinky.

“Like they hadn’t bathed in days!” the Countess recounted over iced Thai tea and some fabulous mango sticky rice creation. “Chemical weapons grade stink.”

A small force of produce department workers took a stand behind the banana and potato stand to launch a counter-offensive stink. The original offenders moved to either end of the aisle to defend their territory by waving their reeking coats and wafting the smell of.. of… B.O. that can barely be imagined over aisles 3, 4, and 5.

The first launch – tomatoes. If they can get out skunk stink, maybe they will help. Tomato after tomato flew through the air. They smashed all over the floor and got wedged between jars of mint jelly and orange chutney. A rousing cheer was heard when one of the offenders was pelted by a series of small roma tomatoes. And one goes down!

“You will never take me alive!” shouts the second offender, still holding his ground but having removed his shoes. The stench was so pungent that it nearly wiped out the commando unit that was crawling down aisle 5. The leader of the unit fell down, unconscious… a bottle of Febreze clutched in his hand. The second person continued to crawl forward, inching to the end cap where the offender was wildly waving his stinky shoes.

“We have you now! DIE STINK DIE!!!!” as the commando jumped around the cereal boxes and doused the offender with Febreze and Oust Air Freshner.

- Cough, Wheeze, Cough, Cough – as the offender dropped back. He hissed and yelled.

“You would have thought he was a vampire being hit by garlic or sunlight. It was horrible yet no one turned away. We were compelled to watch as the offender fell back onto his accomplice and passed out,” the Countess said. “After all of that, I still didn’t buy peanut butter.”

“Clean up on aisle 4,” the manager announced over the loud speaker. And all returned to normal in the local mega-mart.