And I have a disease. It's called perfectionism.
I achieve something and it is never good enough. I cannot rest. I receive a compliment and then feel obligated to push one or two notches higher so that I will continue to receive compliments. It isn't that I doubt the sincerity of the compliment giver... I just want more. I want to be sure that they continue to give me compliments.
I would never hold anyone else to my standard because there is no way they could meet it. In fact, I can't meet my standard because it is ever-changing. Always pushing higher.
I find a new activity and throw myself in head first.. wanting to know everything about it NOW. This causes me to burn out on activities I really enjoy because I've tried to master it too quickly. Too much information far too soon. I don't allow time for the information to sink into my brain.
I get frustrated when I don't get something right the first time. I think too much and mess myself up. (I said this in my dance lesson the other night. My instructor said "You're right. Let's take it really slowly. Stop thinking about it. Just do the steps.)
I'm overly competitive. As Elena said to me "there is no such thing as a friendly game with you" because even if I throw the score card out, I will still keep track of the score in my head. My dance instructor and I were talking about the possibility of my entering some dance competitions later in the year. I looked at him and said "I will win. I won't settle for anything less." I think it un-nerved him to see that part of me come out because for the most part I've been pretty laid back about learning and being there to have a good time.
I am alot better than I used to be. When I was in college, I couldn't let anything go. EVERYTHING was a competition. I had to be perfect at everything I did.
I achieve a goal and look back and think "I could have done this and this and this better." I am never satisified, never good enough. The amount of pressure I apply to myself is insane. My nutritionist has been particularly vocal on this point. "PK, you met the calorie goal. So what if you were over these couple of days. You are still doing great! Don't be so hard on yourself." Even on the weeks where it is perfect, I look over the journals and go "I shouldn't have eaten that.." or "I could have walked a little further that day."
There are those who would find my drive for perfection good.. that it is a part of the American way of operating. Always pushing for the next big thing. In some circles, it would probably be admired.
It is a sickness. It is unhealthy. I don't know how to rest. I don't know how to stop.