Monday, April 19, 2004

The Alliance Humor Assignment

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: The 9/11 Commission

Let’s face it – Congressional hearings are so 1980’s. This is 2004. The producers need to spice it up a bit. Get rid of C-Span and bring on Mark Burnett! Here is the 9/11 Commission if it were replaced with Reality TV.

1) Simon Cowell appears in his trademarked black outfits. He sips on his Crown and RC cola (in the bright red Coke cup) and tells each person testifying: “I don’t mean to be rude but that was dreadful. Horrible. The worst I ever heard. If America gets it right, you will be going home tomorrow.” He looks at his fellow commissioners and says the adults are speaking and they don’t know what they are talking about.

2) The Donald then arrives on his helicopter and sits next to Simon. The Donald berates the performance of the Commissioners in their latest task of hawking officially licensed Donald Trump hair pieces on the street corners of Washington DC. He then fires each of them and makes $250K for every time he says the phrase “You’re fired.” Omarosa yells that the whole thing is racist when race hasn’t been mentioned at all this season.

3) Now that the Commission is out of a job, they head over to the Fear Factor set because they $50K to pay for first-class plane tickets to where ever they will go after this.

4) The first challenge is to put them in a tank with creepy-crawly things and time them until they jump out screaming that George Bush was right in the first place. The 5 who last the longest move to the next round.

5) The second challenge is to listen to Bob the Bachelor’s, William Hung’s, and/or an American Idol compilation CD without hurling their cookies. If they do happen to hurl, a bonus cookie will be given to the one who spews the furthest. The 3 who don’t hurl move to the final challenge.

6) Final Fear Factor style challenge: date Bob the Bachelor. Two of the commissioners burst into flame.. no one knows why but it makes for darn good TV.

7) Jeff Probst magically arrives on a jet ski. At tribal council, he snuffs out the flaming hair of the 2 losing commissioners. “The tribe has spoken.”

8) The last remaining commissioner, Bob Kerrey, looks at Condi Rice and offers her a rose. Condi, a bit flustered and surprised that she was picked over John Ashcroft, graciously hugs him and says ‘yes.’ Meanwhile, Jamie Gorelick seeks a name change to disassociate herself with Al Gore who’s brought his beard back into the fray and claims that marshmallow peeps were behind 9/11. He also reminds the studio audience that he invented toilet paper, the internet, and Velveeta.

Next time on the 9/11 Commission:

- The FBI and CIA go head to head in the ultimate Survivor obstacle course that includes bugs (planting and eating), balancing (all of the lies told), and strength.

- Back at the ChapMogoBoga camp, Rupert begins to question whether or not the alliance he had with Thomas Keane.

- A surprise guest who will actually claim responsibility for that horrible show “Coupling” visits the commissioners.

- Carson, from Queer Eye, shows up and tells them all that “YOUR SHOES ARE LAST SEASON!” and they are in dire need of a makeover.