Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Phantom Menace of the Opera

With the release of Phantom of the Opera to DVD last week and Episode III to theaters next week, this post is topical.

Scene 1: A meeting between Pricess Leia, Padme, and Christine

Leia: We must devise a plan to stop the Empire. Every system must be freed of tyranny.
Padme: What tyranny? The vote on forming the Army of the Republic is next week. That dammed fool Palpatine wants to send me home. He thinks I am in danger.
Leia: Who are you?
Padme: What?
Leia: Who are you?
Padme: Are you the catepillar from Alice in Wonderland? I am the Senator from Naboo, former Queen - twice elected.
Leia: You look familiar.
Padme: Are we related?
Christine: Think of me.. think of me fondly...
Leia and Padme both look intensly confused at the sudden outbreak of song.
Padme: Who is thinking of you fondly?
Christine: The Phaaaantom of the Opera is here..... inside my mind.
Leia: Right.....
Christine's voice begins to vocalize in strange, eerie and sometimes painful to listen to patterns. Leia leans over and clamps her hand over Christine's mouth to shut her up.

Scene 1a: The Opera Diva bursts in and demands that everyone pay attention to her because, after all, she is famous and fabulous.

Scene 2: Anakin Skywalker and the Phantom meet in a "brood-off" to prove who sulks the most.

Scene 3: An epic battle between Anakin and the Phantom that the freakin' director half hides because he put the camera behind the trees "for dramatic effect." The light saber makes quick work of the Phantom's sword but Anakin is immobilized by the Phantom's singing.

Obi Wan Kenobi arrives on the scene but forgets which movie he is in and begins to sing something from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack. Anakin and the Phantom cover their ears and collapse - both defeated. The Force is brought into balance before we have to endure Episode VII: Penance for F'ing Up a Good Story.

(Writer's Note: The director of Moulin Rouge should have made Phantom of the Opera. Baz would have done a much better job. George Lucas should have been banned from making any further Star Wars movies after he made ewoks. George - you can write the screenplay but let someone else do the work.)

Scene 4: In another moment of confusion, Christine declares her love to Obi Wan and then to Anakin. All of this leaves Raoul befuddled...

...because she accepted his propsal of marriage and is wearing his ring around her neck. Padme gets upset and utters some of the worse dialogue ever on screen to remind Anakin of her affection for him:

[Padme] I'm not afraid to die. I've been dying a little bit each day since you came back into my life.
[Anakin] What are you talking about?
[Padme] I love you.
[Anakin] You love me?! I thought we decided not to fall in love. That would be forced to live a lie. That it would destroy our lives...
[Padme] I think our lives are about to be destroyed anyway. My love for you is a puzzle, Ani, for which I have no answers. I can't control it... and now I don't care. I truly, deeply love you, and before we die I want you to know.
*cue music - Savage Garden's Truly, Madly Deeply*

Scene 5: Slave Girl outfit contest...

The vote is unanimous, Leia wins in a landslide but the ballots note that the judges would like to see Padme in a slave girl outfit.

Note - we skipped scene 6 because it was even too horrible for this blog to print.

Scene 7: The Climatic Ending. See... we've had a battle and a love scene. What does that leave us to show? A spaceship? The Death Star exploding? Dancing in the streets? A Gungan yelling "PEACE!"? A lone mask in a spotlight just before the screen fades to black? Much like Lucas, I'm getting tired and am just going to end it here... you know... where it makes no sense. Maybe some underage flirting going on and a Yoda-ism ( from a Yoda who sounds too much like Kermit the Frog).

(expanded on dialogue from Farker, moskie)

"Frankly my dear, give a d*mn I do not."
"Tara... to Tara go, I will. Another day, tomorrow is."

- The End, finally -