The Setting: Empress Kitty’s throne room. She is seated in her magnificent throne, scepter in hand to whack those that need it. (As is often said around the court – “They need to be beaten with a stick.” And the scepter will do just fine.)
Her fingers tap the arm of the throne as she listens to the ‘explanation’ from the editors of the major media outlets as to why they’ve neglected to report on the obvious errors in Democratic Party nominee John Kerry’s Vietnam Service as a part of the PGHA.
Empress Kitty: We are not amused by this turn of events. You have been charged with distorting the truth, lying to the uneducated masses, being a general nuisance and less fun to read than some of the random blogs that one may now find with the “next blog” feature on blogspot.com. Defend yourself!
Washington Post: Empress, if you will give us a chance to explain…. For the record, registration is required to read our article. We will force you into giving us your email address and then refuse to recognize it later.
EK: Hello? What do you think I’m doing? I could scrap this whole hearing and send you to Emperor Misha’s – though we do NOT share the same Empire –
dungeon game room. I believe in outsourcing to the best possible company and he’s the man. Now answer the charges before I hit you with a stick!
New York Times: Registration required - we will collect your information and send you junk in return. Join today! We decided that it wasn’t very newsworthy. John Kerry’s record in Vietnam is clear. He served with distinction along side many brave men and women…
EK: Most Veterans do not make a public show of their service outside of the annual parades. In fact, most won’t talk about their service if you asked. What does it say about a veteran who goes back to re-enact a scene to use for his political aspirations? That he can’t remember where he was on Christmas 1968 – something seared, SEARED into his memory - or the fact that Nixon wasn’t President at the time doesn’t bother you?
EK: Have you taken a gander at what the Swift Boat Vets had to say? One of them has been campaigning since 1971 to have Kerry’s medals taken away from him. They feel betrayed by Kerry who testified before the Senate Foreign Relations committee. The candidate said that they were, in effect, baby killers and guilty of war crimes.
WP: But they are against John Kerry. We can’t report that. That would be biased. We can only critique what President Bush and his supporters have to say. The only legitimate critique can be levied against those that are in power.
EK: Biased? But you didn't too much critiquing of Bill Clinton while he was in power. Did he really have power or was it truncated by the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy?
Both: Yes. Biased. We love Bill Clinton. We would never say anything bad about him. He is our friend. *zombie like stares and tones of voice*
EK: Riiiiggggt. *waving her scepter back and forth, contemplating beating them silly but waits to finish the interrogation * OK… NYT, how do you explain that you just now, after 4 months since the first press release by the Swift Boat Vets, decide to run an editorial? And when you do finally decide to say something about it, you tell them to stop because it’s outlandish for such a group to say anything at all? And your one article is dedicated to disproving what they said instead of being fair and balanced (copyright FoxNews Corp.)
NYT: Um… uh… well, we thought that it wasn’t newsworthy… We wanted to talk about Halliburton, aborting twins in a multiples pregnancy, and the attacks in Najaf and the oppression of the Palestinians and how great John Kerry will be for this country. Washington Post was doing stories on Jessica Culter!
WP: You are telling on me! Moooooommm!!!
EK: Wrong answer, try again! Stop trying to change the subject. You aren’t calling on groups like MoveOn and Common Cause to stop attacking George Bush. Fahrenheit 9/11 plays up a connection that was denied in the Commission hearings by Richard Clarke – the darling of the movie. You write about the connections to Karl Rove through 527 groups on the Bush side yet TOTALLY ignore the web of leftist leaning 527’s tied to Kerry/Edwards. And you call yourselves journalists. I should shoot you on principle. *reaches forward and bops the NYT editor squarely on the head and sits back down in a huff*
NYT: OW!!!! Your Excellency, the New York Times has faced tough times in the last year. We lost Jayson Blair, one of our rising stars… and our editors quit. All of the controversy about our reporting – that we made things up and hired un-talented hacks for the sake of “diversity” have been a distraction.
EK: Mm-hmm. So, you pinning your lack of paying attention to the controversy over Kerry’s military record on something that happened last year and is completely un-related? Or is it a lack of resources?
NYT: Yes! That’s it! Lack of resources! Really good, Empress.
WP: And for us, Empress, we are in Washington - Jessica Culter was such a... distraction. She met us in the back alley. We gave her a toaster for her services.
EK: *raises her hand* Enough. That explains it. I do not need to deliberate. You’ve been found guilty. I sentence you to Emperor Misha’s
dungeon game room (outsourcing again. The Empress spent all of her money on new fall clothes.) and then to a Protest Warrior event where you have to hold a sign that announces that John Kerry is a traitor.