Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Terrorist Olympic Events

It’s an even-numbered year. That means it’s time for the Olympics. The Empress is excited and ready to cheer on the USA in events like synchronized swimming, equestrian, river rafting, and shot throw backs or um…. shot put. Yes… shot put.

But for the first time, terrorists will be holding their own separate Olympics, competing for a gold, silver, or bronze goat. The winner will also have his pick of the 72 virgins. The female athletes will have the opportunity to be one of the virgins. In our Precision Guided Humor Assignment, the Alliance has asked us to report on some events that our friendly neighborhood terrorists will participate in. The “athletes” have worked hard. We’ve seen them climbing the monkey bars, scaling walls and crawling under box spring bits. With this kind of intense preparation, the events will be outstanding!

TRACK AND FIELD (and related events)

- The 100-meter crawl through the mud to kiss Osama Bin Ladin’s feet. Or is it the feet of Jacques Chirac?
- Hurling anti-American insults.
- In the triathlon, the three events are swimming (in sand), running (from the pigs that have been released), and listening to Michael Moore’s latest speech on his movie. The latter being the real test of endurance for the audience.
- Exclusively for women – tossing of the burqua. Two styles: rolled into a ball and pitched or free-flowing.
- Relay race with a stick of dynamite as a baton.


- Hide-n-go seek from the UN Weapons Inspectors or US bunker-buster bombs.
- Fencing of pirated DVDs on the Asian market (to fund training camps.)
- Shooting (guns, video, off at the mouth….)

Usually during the opening ceremonies, we see white doves released to remind us of the purpose of the Olympics – bringing the nations together for a time of peace and spirited competition before going back to our warring selves. In place of doves, at the Terrorist Games, we will see the release of memos from top operatives with statements like “3 more days – release the prisoners or unimaginable consequences will happen to tear down the West.” Or “France is right.”